“This world can’t hurt you; it cuts you deep and leaves a scar; things fall a apart, but nothing breaks like a heart.” Mark Ronson ft. Miley Cyrus
Waking up feels heavy.
Moving through the world feels heavy.
No matter how much I try to limit my news intake, I can’t get away from it.
They started a war with Venezuela.
ICE killed an innocent person (RIP Renee Nicole Good), amongst countless others that don’t make the news.
People are mean…so mean, because the “leader” of the country is the same way, so now they have permission…I guess.
I wish I couldn’t care, or in the very least be on a substance to lighten the load, but then that adds another round of problems I don’t need in my life.
It’s January 7 and I have cried seven day of this year.
Heartbreak…so much heartbreak.
My therapist is proud that I’m getting it out. She’s right, I am, and it’s healthy, but my goodness I am so tired of the lump developing in my throat in the middle of the day.
At every turn my heart hurts. Every day there’s a new fear.
And I knew this. I knew this in November when Kamala Harris had the election stolen from her (allegedly) this would happen. I knew they would have harsher restrictions against anyone who isn’t part of the White Evangelical Billionare Male club. I say, “I” knew this, but a lot of us knew this, especially the 92 perecent of Black women who voted for Kamala Harris. We knew and knew and knew and no one listened.
Now we’re here waking up to heavier news every single day.
Those who studied 1930s Germany are also on edge. We know what’s next, and yet those of us living day to day can’t do anything about it.
So we wait and watch. We grab 1984, Brave New World, Fahrenheit 451, and the Parable books and read them as manuals instead of fiction. We lean in to what makes us happy, even though it’s getting harder everyday.
The world is heavy. Add our personal struggles it feels heavier. Family, friends, relationships, work, there’s a heartberak in almost every facate of our lives. Human beings aren’t buil to carry this heavy of emotions let alone for this legnth of time. It’s mentally and physically exhausting. All I wnat to do is sleep and melt into my mattress.
The heart breaks over and over and over again. There doesn’t seem to be any end in sight, but there has to be. I can’t imagine living in a world where it’s continuous suffering. There has to be more good guys than bad guys, right? There has to be more people who give a damn about their fellow neighbor, right? There’s no way we’re just navigating being hateful towards each other and shrugging it off.
No no no no, this can’t be life.
But it feels that way.
