black and white photo of John Lennon on a glass door

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“OK. What are you feeling right now?”

“Pissed, and I’m having a good day so I’d rather not feel pissed.”

“Then we’ll stop.”

The biggest mistake I made was thinking that once I felt good I wouldn’t have to talk about the crap in the past. It’s in the past.

But she’s right– if I avoid it because I’m feeling good now when something triggers said memory I’m going to go on the opposite end.


But that day, that time in therapy I didn’t feel like going through it. I wanted to stay happy. I wasn’t in the mood nor prepared to feel upset, angry, or on an off chance that hell started freezing over…cry.

So we left it at that. I drove off after wishing everyone a happy holiday and went on to enjoy the rest of my week.

At the end of it though, I’m going to have to go through the motions. I need to really get to the heart of it because it’s blocking other aspects of my life (but not dating. That just seems exhausting).

But that day, I said, “I didn’t want to feel that.”

So I didn’t.